On the Guilt of Ignorance

I concluded previously that ignorance is, in fact, bliss.

I did not post it and am not on the same wavelength right now to explain why, but it is.

However, there is more to it than that. What if your ignorance is hurting others? You are blissful, yet destroying them. It seems selfish to just not want to know. And yet until you become aware, you cannot be aware.

And so perhaps now I am aware. And what I did in ignorance pains me. And I can't unsee it.

And now, this is the wave that I am on.

I started riding it blindly.

Assuming that anything done in blind faith could be nothing but good.

I am starting to see that that outlook is incredibly naive.

Could I have done something differently? Should I have?

I still do not know.

If I were to look back on my past situation with only myself in mind, it was actually really awesome. But now I weigh it in all directions. What others know in comparison to what I think I know. What they must be thinking. How I am coming across.

And maybe I should not be playing this game of compare and contrast.

But I can't not.

And I guess what it really comes down to is:

I don't like the reflection that I am seeing anymore.

And I can't tell if it was me that changed or just my awareness.

It's like they know that I know.

They can probably see it in my eyes.

And so, I am no longer bringing out the spark in them.

And so, I no longer sparkle.

I think that I have a choice now. To be the spark despite my unveiling. If I can remember how.

Because I still want to be the best version of myself.

The version that I thought that I was being before.

When I was actually making things worse.

So if I could have that illusion then, I should be able to now.

But now I feel guilt.

I suppose, I should rejoice in that. The fact that I feel it. That I care.

But I can't help feeling disappointed in myself. For the things that I did in ignorance.

As I delve deeper into my ponderings, I am becoming aware that: While ignorance may be bliss to the individual, it doesn't mean that it is not creating chaos all around them.

Ignorance can be incredibly selfish. Unknowingly selfish. Unintentionally selfish. But selfish all the same.

I can't choose when I learn something,

when I see it,

when it becomes clear to me,

when the veil is lifted.

But I can choose to learn from it. To better myself.

Perhaps that's what this is all about.

Perhaps it is not what happens to you that matters, but what you take from it.

It is the choosing to grow instead of staying the same.

It is the becoming aware instead of staying ignorant.

This is making me feel better.

But how far is the reach?

No matter how much we see, we cannot see it all.

And are we to consider every other person?

Or should we only consider ourselves?

Now that I have seen my best self, I refuse to be anything less.

I want to see where this road takes me.

Maybe I will end up nowhere close to where I wanted to go.

But perhaps that is a fault of mine for trying to set a destination.

I am going to roll with the punches.

And make the most out of every situation.

I am going to live in love.

Even when I cannot see what love is.

I am going to do what feels right.

At all times. Moment by moment.

And I will add parentheses as needed.