Let it Go.
Updated: Dec 15, 2020
There are so many truths that I have wanted to write today. But as I just typed that out, I realized that is false. There are many things that I wanted to write. This is the only thing that that is true. Everything else held some taint of intent.
Something threw me today. Accidentally set me off kilter.
And honestly, from an outsider's perspective... it would make no sense.
But to me, I saw an entire cloud of experiences solidify into a single moment.
And, as usual, I started over thinking. Got in my own head.
And the wave collapsed.
The magic disappeared.
And so I desperately sought to find it.
‘I have to hold onto it. I can't lose this.’
I felt like I had to come up with some kind of collaboration of words...
To immediately express it. To fix it within myself. To learn what I did wrong. To explain what was happening. To prove that it was still there somewhere.
Or maybe even to show that I was affected by this moment of coincidence?
....Obviously that did not work.
And so, I reread quotes that had once soothed me. Looked at these phrases that were once soaked in the beauty. I understood them. I still believed them. But the cord had been cut.
.......
This is an appropriate preamble to what has resulted from my last few days.
So, I have a passion for both quantum and theoretical physics. Like fiercely. Almost to a fault. But sometimes, I get a little too immersed in them. Let them take over my thoughts. Lose my mind in theories and research.
These last two days I have been consumed.
I have been side searching a lot lately.
Not trying to find answers, but just trying to learn.
Not trying to define, but filled with the inspiration to seek out the truth.
But at some point during this search, that all shifted. I began to think. To analyze. To draw conclusions. To concrete.
I had the desire to write... not to express the truth, but to prove something, to make a point.
But you'll find those lingering voices Are just your ego's attempt to make it all clean and nice And make a moron out of you
I know there have been a few instances that have I alluded to upcoming posts, 'works in progress'
‘Why Ignorance is Bliss’, ‘An Analysis of Revolutionary Road’, ‘On Reflection vs Projection’, 'On 'Strangers Like Me''.
But, I am not going to write them.
I can never explain what all of these thoughts are to me. And I'm not sure if I want to start. I appreciate their essence floating around in my head, what I have taken from them. And I kind of think... that I would do them injustice to try to isolate any part of those thoughts.
I will draw references from them. But their entirety, as it pertains to me, I will never put down into words.
----------------------------------------
And this. Doing just that. Or trying to. Or something. Brings me to today.
I stopped reflecting and started projecting. And I thought too hard about one little thing. And I saw my perception of beauty begin to slip away before it was even gone.
And so I searched. As I said, I read all of the inspirational quote truths that I have saved in my phone. I tried to convince myself that the trees and the birds are just so beautiful. That everything around me is just so wonderful. I tried to remind myself to live in the moment, but it all still appeared dull.
I knew that I was capable of feeling it, that I could… but i still just really didn't.
And after all of that trying and and all of that convincing, it took one simple comment from a friend. A comment that made my heart smile. And my face, the same.
And it was this seemingly nothing comment, that allowed the feeling to return.
It was a reminder of why I began to feel this way in the first place.
I was taken back to the start.
Where the magic came from. What it is, and not what I began to make it into.
A return to the truth. To the pure essence of the beauty.
--
I stopped thinking, forcing, trying… I dunno.
And it returned. All of it. And maybe somehow stronger than before.
Because I learned something from it.
Not that I haven't been aware of these lessons this whole time. Easier said than done, I guess, But I took so much out of the entire situation.
Actually, I became aware of something else that I had been sidestepping. But that realization is far from explanation or understanding.
But what I thoroughly appreciate is, that with this entire ordeal, hardly any of it had to do with concrete occurrences.
Once again: Nothing happened, but everything changed.
My takeaways?
-I need to start asking myself: ‘Why am I reading this article?’ ‘Why am scrolling this page?’ Am I looking for something to confirm my current beliefs? Or am I genuinely curious?
-You can’t find magic if you are looking for it, even if it is currently surrounding you.
-Also, I am the luckiest. I am beyond blessed. And thank you.
I've lost my mind - on what I'd find All of the pressure that I left behind On Allison Road
Fools in the rain - if the sun gets through Fires in the heaven of the eyes I knew
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